For me, ever since childhood, learned has always been weighed down by and attached to some sort of consequences – grades, test scores, college admissions, wealth, success, and self worth. I still remember those days sitting at a dinner table, with a page of math problems in front of me, which I’ve fretted over for hours, and am more stressed over my homework grade and my report card, rather than to question whether I was approaching them with the correct methodology. And then there was the pre-exam anxiety that I would get in trouble if I got a low grade (super relative, but in my family that was anything beneath a 92). School felt like an unwelcoming and negatively critical place.
Then growing up, there was the pressure to take harder courses while maintaining Straight A’s and simultaneously hold leadership positions in multiple extracurricular activities, all for the purpose of getting to a top college, where I will continue to overwork so that I can get a high-paying and stable job after graduation or continue to graduate school. And of course, my academic and professional success will determine my value in society and gain the admiration and validation from those around me who share the same mentality. While I’ve always loved learning and challenging myself in multiple areas of life, the education system itself felt overwhelming.
When you think about it, to newborns, EVERYTHING around them is new, so the learning process is constant and never-ending, especially in the first few years of life. The amount of newly formed synapses is out of this world. But as we grow older, learning becomes less intuitive and more guided with expectations.
So there’s no wonder why for many people, entering the workforce feels like an escape from imprisonment. There is always that concept of needing to take a “break” from school to rest from all this brain activity. But if the purpose of education is to foster learning and curiosity, then why does it hold a negative connotation and becomes something that we need an escape from? Because shouldn’t each day be a new learning opportunity?
Think about why people crave vacations and adventures as if winning the lottery (roughly speaking). It’s to experience that sense of freedom of having the time to explore the unknown and learning without feeling as if our livelihoods depended on it.
Full disclosure, I had a gap year between my sophomore and junior year in college, so I was certainly not immune to the pressures of academia. But my greatest insight happened after I got back to campus as a junior, and realized that it is OK to not have it all figured out, to not have a ironclad map for the rest of my life, to be different from everyone else, to stop comparing myself with other people, and to not want those markers of success that society expects – a huge salary, a big house, a fancy car, etc. It’s OK to not be interested in getting a MD, PhD, or job on Wall Street.
It is OK to just be me.
But life is a journey and I’ve had to learn this lesson many times since. After getting my master’s, when I first joined the standard “9-5” workforce, I thought, “Finally, now that I’ve figured out what I’ll do for the rest of my life, I can just focus on work without worrying about managing other activities. I can do whatever I want!” Like a child who has been deprived of junk food and so goes on a sugar binge at a birthday party, when I could control my free time, I chose the the extreme – I often did nothing except camp out in my apartment rather than going out to meet new people, learn new skills, and spend time with family and friends. There was now a new excuse: “Oh I’m too tired, too busy, it’s too far away, I have this thing later tonight, and this other things early tomorrow morning.” I became an absolute genius and world-expert at avoiding fun and building relationships that I can write an entire playbook.
But that didn’t last because I realized that the very opposite of happiness is not sadness, but extreme boredom. So now what?
So I decided to travel the world and start my own business, but those are stories for another time.
But fast-forwarding to the present when I have my own business. Now the “Job” can no longer be an excuse because I am doing what I love and have the ability to fill in the rest. It’d make sense that I’d simply fill up every minute of everyday with enjoyable activities and feel happy 24/7 right?
Nope. Wrong. Life isn’t that easy.
It turns out that when you have full control of your time and what appears to be unlimited freedom to make choices, uncovering authentically engaging and joyful experiences is surprisingly difficult. Not that mention that I’ve grown used to living under constraints, self imposed or those imposed by others, so that a lack of excitement actually feels like the norm.
Does that sound sad? OK maybe a little, but it’s just the fact. It’s like you’ve always wanted the keys to that beautiful car but once you get in, you realize that you have no idea how to drive. Or even better is when you get in and realize that you actually don’t want to drive and prefer to take public transportation!
So what did I do? Well, besides standing around waiting for a magical moment to happen, and waist-deep in laziness, procrastination, and fear, I had to do something. So I went back to the basics, to what I’ve always known. What energizes me? Why did I choose exponential coaching? What makes me lose track of time, burst into tears, or laugh hysterically in a crowded bus?
Stories.
I’ve always loved to hear other people’s stories of why they made the choices they did, an what decisions led them to the present moment. I’ve always found comfort, inspiration, and insights when I listen to the journeys of people whom I respect and appreciate for their achievements, resilience, and impact. At my previous jobs and internships, I would invite the managing director, C-Suite executives, and company founders out to coffee/tea, lunch, or a scheduled conversation, without an agenda, only to ask them questions, listen and learn as I relate elements into my own life. I am fascinated by how many successful people have experienced numerous curves and turns in their lives, and the road was not a carefree straight line, as many of us may assume, or at least I did.
And overtime, I have created my own narrative. So how can I offer the same experience to other people as was given to me? How can I use my experiences and insights to positively impact the world?
Stories are what led me to social work and to becoming a coach. People would come to me with their stories and seeking guidance to find the next level. I have become quite skilled at identifying the key elements and themes in a narrative and have an intuitive sense of where to begin.
So Ah Ha! Of course! Where do I find people from all walks of life, with diverse interests, experiences, and passions? Well, Chicago is a big city and there is so much happening! We have the Internet for a reason.
Thus I have been attending 1 event each day taking place in the city. I choose them based on whether they catch my attention, or are regarding something I’ve always been interested in, but have not had the chance to pursue. This may be a tech conference, a design thinking course, a Chi Hack Night meetup, an after-work networking event, or catching up with my friends from our old Improv group. But there was no pressure, no agenda, no expectations whatsoever to create any sort of results. Even at networking events, I’m not there to scout potential clients or to further my business. I just wanted to know how people decided on their chosen careers, whether they are following their passions, and what do they like to do outside of their professional lives?
As it turns out, when I approach people from a place of curiosity, they tend to open up and we end up getting into very deep conversations! Not deep, like we always go psychoanalytical, but we discuss some serious life topics, and even very technical topics about their field. And I have no insecurities or embarrassment about not knowing, because I am choosing to be at these events BECAUSE I don’t know. I am going as a novice, representing only myself, and no attachment to outcomes.
As a result, I’ve learned so much and am reminded of all the things I’m naturally interested in. I’ve not only learned new information, but have expanded my relationships and made new friends. It’s not so scary or anxiety-provoking when there are no expectations, only the willingness to share, listen with empathy, and inspire.
At times, I go back into the mindset of, “Oh I’m too tired” or “I don’t feel like it.” But then I go back to the basics: remember that you signed up because you’re interested, you can go and leave after 5 minutes if it bores you, and it is absolutely OK to be that awkward person in the corner and not talk to a single person.
I have to say, it’s such a overwhelming sense of freedom and passion for learning.
So it is from a place of not knowing and the willingness to welcome the unknown that I’ve discovered a renewed spirit in life. I can’t believe I’ve been missing out.
There are multiple sides to everything so there are some details I try to be aware of. I notice if I ever feel the need to attend to something for the sake of GOING to something, anything, because of this new challenge I’ve set for myself. This feeling of obligation only makes me feel drained and resentful. So I have to remind myself that it’s OK to take a break now and then. I don’t HAVE to anything; I CHOOSE to do it.
Plus, as much as I enjoy meeting new people and learning, now and then I still retreat back to my hermit days. Sometimes I worry that I will lose momentum, and will give up on this new venture and a newfound way of joy and fulfillment. But most of the time, I try to remind myself that I am only choosing the event topics that truly interest me and meeting only fun, kind, and interesting people. The most important thing is showing up, even for just 15 minutes, and there’s no need to worry about being stuck in a place I don’t want to me, because my entire life has trained me to be an expert social escape artist. Most of the time, once the event begins, I settle in and enjoy the entire process. Overtime, I’ve become less focused on the initial inertia of motivating myself to physically go, and more engaged with the experience of being immersed in curiosity, confidence, and community. In this state I feel very powerful because other people’s opinions and snarky comments do not pierce me, as I am choosing to put myself in a position of ignorance, naivete, and discomfort. Vulnerability is my best protection.
How would you like to be inspired?
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